"WHAT IS THIS LIFE, IF .... ?" - A. Szepesy (3A) "Janus" Spring 1955

EXAMINATIONS .... what torturous visions this dreaded word conjures up in the mind of the inexperienced boy, what remorse wells up within his soul at the awful sentence of the calendar. Like a dying man he sees his past life before him and lives once more the shady deals in marbles transacted beneath a desk during "geographical internment." He ponders upon his past follies, and successes, he sighs, a happy sigh, for is he not worth one hundred and thirty-four marbles? Then his mind turns to rosy thoughts of suicide, to all he will leave behind him, one hundred and thirty-four marbles and a broken hearted Rosie next door; that is the importance of examinations and its effect on early life.

After much superfluous worrying the moment arrives, the first day of the Common Entrance Examination. Upon coming out of his first petrified coma the small boy looks at his questions, he stares hard, and finds that unless his sight is failing him the questions are quite easy. The small boy now smells a rat; how could those infernal torturers set such an easy question? There must be a catch somewhere he thinks, and promptly puts down the wrong answer. With a combination of luck and heavenly guidance he reaches the end of the examination. Pale and quaking within, with a slightly puzzled but somewhat relieved expression on his face, the small boy trudges home. There are six months to wait before the final results of the examination are known, six months of nerve-wracking suspense during which the small boy undergoes many amazing changes. It is now, and not as many people think later, that alcoholic stupors, chain smoking, the imbibing of opium and heroine begin.

When the time of judgment draws near you see not playful little boys, but hardened cynics (the only ones who are not hardened cynics by now are the marble millionaires, and they are crooks).

Older now, and much wiser, with a hard shell of cynicism, the boy remains unshaken by examinations and results. Instead he harnesses them to meet his own ends and improves his tennis, cricket or chess during the spare hours provided by the commencement of the summer examinations. It is now that the cold, cunning and ruthless brains begin to appear and this period sees the birth of many future financial tycoons . . . and the appearance of that contemporary scourge, the ulcer. Even now, however, nervousness is not completely absent, as is shown by the number who take up piano lessons. Then comes the greatest change and mark of superiority yet seen, the actual enjoyment of the "end of the year" examinations.

Older still, more wise and yet more foolish, the boy faces the "god", which over-shadows all his secondary school life, the General Certificate of Education. The intense preparation for this, the king of school examinations, is marked by the stooping walk, the pouches beneath the eyes, the paleness of complexion and the hysterical fits of despair which grip that long suffering predecessor of man, the boy. There is now a crack in what used to he a hard protective shell of cynicism, mental fatigue.

Nearing the actual days of examinations another amazing change in this much-transformed creature, becomes apparent; he becomes more cheerful, whistles as he walks (now athletic and erect) and appreciates the non-existent beauty of the grimy galaxy of buildings which form his home town. Alas and alack! This is a sure sign of the sad but unavoidable overthrow of his only friend and protector in this world of woe, cynicism. Rhapsodising blissfully upon the graceful beauty of the ink blot before him, he is unaware of the gloating glances darted in his direction by those doleful demons the examiners. He is jolted and considerably shaken by the magical and sinister appearance of the question paper before him. By the time he has waded through the mortifying list of questions very little of his original good humour remains, and he relapses once more into the abysmal depths of gloom! As paper follows paper, day after day, hour after hour, he realizes what great men Attila the Hun, Nero, Kublai Khan, Hitler and Mussolini were.

The boy's sense of the morbid and horrifying grows as he realizes the unmistakable error he has committed by passing, with one, two and threes and so qualifying to take higher level examinations. As the fanatical gleam in his eye improves so Uncle Adolf approves.

The boy, now almost a man, basks with supreme content and contempt in the sunshine of his achievement in the higher level examination. He thinks now of Dracula, Frankenstein and Hyde merely as old and valuable acquaintances. As he ponders the meaning of his success, he thinks that perhaps Messieurs Ghoul, Attila and Rasputin of the board of examiners are not so bad after all.

Once more "Uncle Adolf" looking down from his heavenly abode (he now takes turns with Big Brother) approves.